As a disclaimer, this post is obviously long and kind of personal. I won't be offended if you don't read it because I mostly wrote it for my own purposes. With that being said, if you do choose to read it I just hope that you don't judge me and that you will be able to learn something from my experience.
My ward has been a source of great frustration for some time now. I love the people individually, but as a whole I couldn't care less about the group. I've been in a leadership position for some time and it hasn't made me any more loving or humble (or I should say that I haven't chosen to be any better while in my position). I dread going to church each Sunday because I know that while I'm there I'll be counting down the hours until I can leave.
Now I know this attitude is hardly a good one and I can feel the affect it has been having on my spiritual well-being for some time. I've been losing a lot of spiritual drive lately and I can see the correlation between that and my attitude towards my ward.
Heavenly Father isn't the kind of man to stand by and let His daughter be so lame without an attempt to guide her in the right direction and He has definitely been working on me for some time now. Over conference the thing that stood out to me most was a quote which basically said, "serve where you are. Lift where you stand." Well of course that struck a cord and I grudgingly admitted that I was being prompted to have a better attitude. I didn't do anything about that prompting though and my spiritual strength slipped a little bit more. Then in my presidency meetings I was again nudged with the reminder to actually care about the sisters and try to love them. I acknowledged those thoughts, then chose to not act. As a final reminder, today in Relief Society a section of the lesson was about being humble and repenting if you're not being the leader the Lord expects you to be.
I've found that denying the promptings of the Holy Ghost is a sure fire way to put yourself in a bad mood. Don't worry, this post isn't all about gloom and sadness. There is a bright side to this whole story. So I've been grumpy lately and really negative about my ward. Today was a test of my faith and fortunately I had a good friend who unknowingly helped me a lot.
The Bishop in my ward is a good man, he does his best to help the ward, and he's been through a lot the past few years. I've never felt a strong connection with him though and I've only been focusing on the bad. Today in church however, he spoke about an upcoming service project and Heavenly Father poked me enough to make me pay attention. While distracted briefly from my normal irritated thoughts I was able to see the bishop in better light. I was able to recognize the good and see that he was trying his best to guide our ward. It was a little prick again and it made me stop brooding about my situaion. Tonight my friend and I had plans to bake some Hawaiian sweet bread and deliver it to the bishop. After we made the dough and let it raise I felt like I needed to attend a fireside being held in the Spectrum. I went and didn't feel like I learned much while there, but on the drive over I was thinking about my friend's ability to serve others, and how she is really good about finding people who need help and then filling that need. It was good to have time to reflect on those qualities while I was driving to Logan then back to Smithfield.
I picked her up after she finished baking the bread and we went to deliver it to the bishop. His wife passed away two years ago this week and he lives at home alone. When we pulled up to his house the Halloween decorations were up and the front lights were on. After ringing the doorbell we waited a moment and I realized that he was doing what he could to move on and live the best he was able without his best friend. He answered the door and my friend handed him the warm loaf of bread and I will (hopefully) never forget the look on his face. He looked so grateful and pleased that we had thought of him and he kept thanking us for stopping by. I felt awkward and out of place because of my previous negative thoughts about his leadership skills, so I was grateful that my friend chatted with him for a moment.
As we were walking back to the car I was hit with the force of my bad will and I realized that the ward needs him and he needs the ward. I was chastised for my lack of support towards him and I felt guilty for the way I had behaved. The best thing about being chastened by the Lord is that it is always accompanied with a good dose of love. I was given a little taste of the love that others and the Lord have for this priesthood leader and that love has softened my heart more than the other feelings of guilt and shame. While we were driving away I began formulating a plan on how I could be kinder to the bishop next Sunday and how I could try to chat with him instead of just walking by with maybe a brief "hello".
I'm writing this on my blog because I don't want to forget this experience easily and slip back into my bad habit and bad mood. I fear that if I put it in a journal it will get lost within the pages of other stories and details, but if it is online then I may confront it more than a handwritten word.
The Lord wants us to be happy and he never really leaves us alone in our struggles to be more like Him. He guides us and leads us all the time- mostly in small ways. The power of good friends is more precious than any position we may be asked to fill and those friends can help us build strong towers and walls against inner or outer forces of destruction and evil. I'm grateful that my Father in Heaven knows me and is willing to stick with me even when I'm stubborn and that action shows me His love for me.
When we are feeling resentment over our current situation, that is a good indicator that we need to humble ourselves and let the Lord touch our hearts and show us why we have been placed in said situation. The Lord's way really is the better way.
